Thursday, September 11, 2014

Life Changes

“We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.”

I've been struggling with how to address this for quite some time.  I still don't how to say what's going on.  I feel like in my mind there's a stigma behind what I have to say.  Like somehow Giordy & I failed as adults.  On the other hand, I feel like I'm lying by keeping my mouth shut.  Old friends ask how we are, and I respond "fine" like there's not a single concern on my mind.  But we've been forced out of the pond. 

A few months ago, Giordy was preparing for reenlistment.  He had his slot from retention, had all the recommendations he needed, and was just waiting on a signature.  The signature was just supposed to be a formality.  We had no idea that Giordy was about to not only be denied a signature, but treated like a contemptible and incompetent soldier, by someone who hadn't worked hand-in-hand with him enough to even know.  He was denied on false grounds, and after we took all recourse, he was still denied.  And just like that, his career was over.  Anyone in the military knows that it's the norm to start preparing to leave the service one year in advance.  One year.  We had 47 days.  47 days to clear housing, clear post, find out how to move our own things, find a place to live.  And now, we have 26 days.  

Moving forward, everything changes.  For someone like me, someone who thrives on normalcy and stability, panic ensues.  Every minute of every day, my mind is racing with different plans.  I can no longer stay home with Aisley, no longer strut my domestic prowess while basking in financial stability, I can no longer slave over time consuming, made-from-scratch organic food for my husband and daughter.   Houses, jobs, moving trucks.  When I have a conversation, I'm barely there.  

But then I stop.....

In ten years, where will we be?  Back in the pond?  Or will we be in the  ocean with a big house and a white picket fence?  Even if we can just tread water, we'll be together.  Isn't that all that matters?  I have to choose to believe there is something better for us out there.  I have to believe there is a world where my husband and I learn our own choreographed dance between our children, our jobs, and each other.  A beautiful dance where my daughter grows up seeing her daddy every day.  Giordy and I are stubborn.  At times, it hurts our marriage.  But now is our chance.  This is our chance to use that, and see what going through "failure" will bring us to.  

We're entering a world where nothing is set in front of us.  But in this same world, we both have the opportunity to persist, and to achieve each of our deepest goals and dreams that wouldn't be possible otherwise-and with a little work, that's just what we'll do.  

Bear with me.  If you see me on the street and I don't say hello, know that the back of my mind has taken over the foreground.  If you send a text, and I don't reply, know I'm up to my elbows in moving boxes, bank statements, and lease paperwork.  And if I don't blog for a few weeks, know I'm busy going out and trying to accomplish my dreams.  :)

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